In Christ Alone: Our Journey through and after Breast Cancer

a 37-year old, christian, mother of four, missionary/pastor's wife and her families story

Trusting: Why is it so hard? October 31, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — awilmeth @ 3:16 AM

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55:8-11

It’s been a few weeks since my last update now, and a lot has happened in that time.  I think the theme that God keeps bringing back to me is “trust in the Lord with all your heart”.  His ways are not my ways; His ways are better!  So how can I help but trust in Him?

My recovery from surgery has been going very well!  No major complications.  I’ve been getting back into the swing of my normal daily routine with my family and responsibilities.  I’ve just been moving along to the next treatment steps of getting my weekly fills in my tissue expanders and setting up my appointment with my oncologist to determine chemo treatment plans.

So back to my question: After all I’ve been through on this journey so far, how can I help but trust in the Lord?  The plan seemed to be drawn out for me so I just had to follow through.  So what happened?  I was distracted by my circumstances and lost focus of the Lord in all of this.  I was cruising along just fine with all my plans and somewhere along the way I went to autopilot and stopped watching Him.

So He had to get my attention with a few little bumps.  First, I was expecting some pain with my fills in my tissue expanders, but I wasn’t prepared for the disruption in my sleep patterns and then the fatigue with that.  But I’ve dealt with fatigue with the chemo, so I can surely handle this, right?  Next, my carefully laid plan for treatment is suddenly up in the air and I am left waiting with no set plan.  What is going on?  This isn’t what was supposed to happen.  Finally, after my fill this week I actually had to take Ibuprofen and use heat packs again for the pain.  It was as bad as right after the last surgery.  (For those of you who’ve been following my story, you know that I do NOT take pain or nausea pills, or any pills for that matter, unless I absolutely have to.  After my first 3 surgeries-not even a Tylenol after leaving the hospital.)  Anyhow, I was pretty much down to minimal activities for a couple days after this week’s fill.  (Thanks to my awesome and wonderful husband for picking up the slack once again and helping with cleaning, meals, and of course caring for our 3 wonderful kiddos, while still managing to get his work done for both jobs! God is good!)

So why is this all happening?  God, why are you allowing this?  As I searched for answers to these questions at various points these past few weeks,  God kept bringing me back to Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” I had my plan and I was trying to run with it, without looking to my Lord for His detour in directions along the way.  I was leaning on my own understanding of how I thought things should go, and not what He was directing.  When I am focused on Him, it doesn’t matter what circumstances or detours may come.  I can always know that He wants the best for me, and He will guide me each step of the way. (You’d think I would have learned this lesson by now, right?  Apparently, I am forgetful and easily distracted.)

Have you lost your focus?  Are you running your own plans, and not God’s plans?  Watch out for those little, or sometimes not so little, bumps.  God may be trying to get your attention.  Give your plans over to the Lord today, and He will give you the desires of your heart!

By the way, I do now have a plan to finish with my 4th and final fill in my tissue expanders this Wednesday, and start my new chemo treatments on November 8th.  Funny how when we give our plans over to the Lord, He works out all the details just as He promised. 😉


2 Responses to “Trusting: Why is it so hard?”

  1. Chris Huff Says:

    Prayers winging your way. Thanks for the update and beautifully stated reminder to let go and let God.

  2. tonna Says:

    thank you for being real. and honest. and your words are timely for my own situations. i am proud of the jesus in you who so evidently shines thru all you do and say. we continue to pray and are so happy you finally have the next phase of the journey planned out. i know you learned much in the wait, but sometimes its nice to have a break from learning for a minute and enjoy the results 🙂 blessings, tonna

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